literature

Invisible version 1

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dthdespair's avatar
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Literature Text

Invisible

They are all around me,
Yet I\'m invisible to them.
They walk so close by me,
Yet I remain in the woid.
They willingly ignore me,
Not wanting to lower their image.
They appear to be so perfect,
Yet inside they are flawed.
They don\'t understand me,
No matter how hard I try.
All I want to do is be seen,
To be accepted by someone.
Yet no one will accept me,
I am nothing but a lowlife.
They won\'t allow me in,
even though all I ever wanted,
was to be seen...
It's old. Any comments are appriciated... after taking some imput I will prolly rewrite this...
© 2003 - 2024 dthdespair
Comments4
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die-nacht's avatar
I like the general idea although I think you might want to find a thesaurus and look for some more unique words. Or, even better, make up your own metaphors. Play words off of each other. Manipulate the English language into a river of, not words, but feelings. Right now I feel like this is words more than anything (which might be a kind of "duh" comment, but I mean it in more of a figurative sense). I really like the last 2 lines, so I hope you don't change those.

Instead of limiting the "plot" of the poem to merely these people and yourself, try to heighten it to a mental level rather than just a physical one. Try comparing the people or yourself to other things or ideas--even if they do not seem to make sense, there is a reason why they come to mind. Don't disregard initial metaphors just because they seem silly. Part of the fun of reading poetry is decoding it--trying to FIND the meaning rather than just seeing it.

Sorry if that makes no sense.
Hopefully it helps in SOME way. Note me or tell me on my page if you rewrite this; I would really like to read it.

:heart: :peace: :devilish: